Q&A With A Y2K Kid

I speak in solecisms: my substandard Attic is an album from the attic’s crypt. I’m a slang-tongued millennial. Ask me anything. I’ll do my best to answer en ingles.

 

The Kardashians

What do I think of the Kardashians? We worship at the Taj Mahal-ian shrine of those Armenian angels (angels from the side of heaven that’s dammed in clean flame). They’re girl-kings in PR knight’s armor. They’ve got coats of mail sewn from tabloids. They’re air-bending avatars, and they bend the air it takes to breathe gossip about them. They’re people. Who cares what they’re doing with their civil liberties?

What about our (generic) Prozac nation, and the depression that can bend the breath out of our collective soul? People can barely afford the medication that’s going to kill them with its side effects. What about the permafrost that’s melting in the Arctic?

Two degrees Celsius is the magical figure at which global warming Armageddon may ensue. We’re getting pretty close that number: we’re almost halfway through our carbon budget for the next fifty or so years (whoa, big spender); polar ice caps are ever-melting; the snows of Kilimanjaro are evaporating, and golden toads are going extinct.

My summation: Kardashians: 0, World aflame: 1.

 

Californicating With Danger

What do I think about when I think about running (for my life)? Let’s see, pyromantic California is all gleed with wildfire, and our world’s coral reefs—fragile ecosystems in themselves—are blanching and perishing at alarming rates. It’s scary to say the least. Humans are interlinked with every biome and ecosystem. When one system’s equilibrium oscillates, it effects us.

Let’s get hypothetical. Think of the maritime communities that will die out if the sea reefs die. Think of the land-locked communities that depend on longshoremen for trade and commerce trafficking, who may in turn depend on fishery based locales. No fish equals no people. No people equals no business, or budget cuts. For every action there is a consequence. Who knows the reach emissions truly have?

Kardashians: 0, World Aflame: 2.

 

Donald Trump = My Expatriatism

What do I think of Trump? Well, we were just speaking of everybody dying someday in the Apocalypse, so this is fitting. There’s so much irony in Donald Trump being an American presidential hopeful (in my best Adventure Time squeal, “Oh nooooo!”). For one, he’s a xenophobe who seems to have conveniently forgotten that we owe China (amongst other foreign nations) a trillion dollars via debt financing.

He hasn’t mentioned that we should, oh I don’t know, STOP SPENDING! It’s just so unimportant that China is printing yuan and curbing yuan inflation; that they’re buying American debt via Treasury notes and bonds; and lending those bonded dollars (with interest) to America.

It doesn’t matter that America is then lending to consumerist Americans who’ll buy anything that’s been Made In China (I do it too), and just like clockwork, the dollar China just lent us is back in China’s pocket. And we’ll still owe China. The money we’re going to spend this Christmas isn’t going towards remunerating I.O.U’s. Let me reiterate: dear government, we should stop spending! Like, um, now.

My point is if we’re going to elect somebody, they should at least like foreigners. Foreigners are the ones who are feeding our lavish spending habit. So there.

The most stunning thing of all is that we mostly owe ourselves (go figure). Uncle Sam owes Uncle Sam (huh?) about $6 trillion because he’s been siphoning funds from US social security, fed reserves, and military retirement.

In the words of taxedenuf, a user on the TheBlaze.com,

“[The Government] HAS KILLED THE GOOSE WHICH LAID THE GOLDEN EGGS. Business is leaving, Money is leaving, the rich are leaving. Soon there will only be the parasites forming a spiraling daisy chain into third world poverty.”

Ha ha! Somebody else agrees that the world is ending. Oh, come now. Don’t cry, dear pet. Here’s a tissue. (It’s actually a very funny quote, you should laugh. I did.)

Meanwhile, Trump is taking the cake; and when he’s queen he’ll tell all the poor black, Mexican, and gay people they can eat it (cake that is); meanwhile, Mr. Marie Antoinette will be leading a roundtable meeting at the White Rich Middle-aged Rulers of the Universe club.

They’ll be discussing how to forge a mystical ring in confluence with the all-seeing eye (Tolkien style). His brotherhood will laugh as they round a Monopoly street corner, collecting their $200 on the way to the New York Stock Exchange trading floor.

All I have to say is this: If Trump wins the White House, he won’t have to worry about illegal migrants from Mexico. Mexico and Canada will have an American refugee situation their hands. Can you say, “Mass exodus?”

Kardashians: 0, World aflame: 3

It’s amazingly hypocritical that some politicians (Sarah Palin and Donald Trump) are so fearful of illegal immigrants. It’s as if they don’t recall that America’s founders were on the lam from imperial Britain—a land they’d once sworn allegiance to as taxpaying citizens. Paul Revere conveyed intelligence of British penetration like the King’s men were the LAPD, and the Revolutionaries were coming straight outta Compton.

 

ISIS, Syria, and Nuclear War (oh my!)

What do I think of ISIS (the Islamic State)? First of all, who decided to nickname the Islamic State after an ancient Egyptian goddess? I’m. Just. Sayin’.

ISIS is a not a goddess. ISIS is a malevolent god that gives out invitations to a beheading, and then films the whole enterprise. ISIS gives lashings to local tenants for smoking cigarettes, and puts people in cages for playing a game of blackjack.

Meanwhile (my favorite word), Russian President Vladimir Putin is honoring arms contracts that are giving the Syrian state a little more G-force. This move is making America is more than a little uncomfortable.

Moscow seems to think that ousting Syrian despot al-Assad will lead to unrest. (However, there’s already unrest, so…) Russian guns can protect him. America thinks the Syrian civil war will never end under al-Assad. He’s bad. He should go.

Syria is bleeding. Nomadic refugees are trekking in the face of peril. They’re journey starts on a beach in Turkey, where they embark dinghies and all manner of watercraft. Their surfeited crafts undulate in the Aegean Sea, both day and night. Sometimes, the refugees make it to the welcoming shores of a Grecian island, like Lesbos. Sometimes, mortals fall prey to the briny deep, embraced by sea undines.                                                                                                                                                              From there, it’s a ferry ride to Athens; the longest trundle through Macedonia, and Serbia; and, finally, home free through Croatian cornfields in goldy-rose gloam. But where is home now? Croatia? Germany? The Netherlands? The journey has just begun, even though many Syrian refugees have succeeded in not dying.                                                                                                                                                                              Kardashians: 0, World aflame: 5

The supreme leader of Iran has asserted that Israel will not live to see the next 25 years. Wow. This statement has me thinking of how history loves to repeat itself; and of how the Holocaust is the loudest of echoes in such an assertion.

Obviously, Hitler’s Final Solution was not enough. Now, we need the radioactive annihilation of uranium. For the Jews, extermination is once more on the agenda. How many reincarnations of evil will it take for the world to DO SOMETHING PLEASE?!

Kardashians: -1, World aflame: 11

A coalition called P5+1 (ooh, so snazzy) have successfully negotiated a nuclear deal with Iran. The group consists of the USA, the UK, France, Germany, China, and Russia (humph). The deal politely asks Iran to scale back its mountains of uranium to less sizable hills of uranium. Sometimes, there will be the occasional check-up. You’ve gotta make sure Iran is playing by the book, with their hills of uranium and all.

I don’t understand why anybody would want a nuke battle. As if the accident at the Chernobyl nuclear power plant in Ukraine didn’t result in death, cancer, and a ghost town. The atomic bombing of Hiroshima cooked civilians alive, and left survivors maimed, blind, cancerous, homeless, widowers, and anything else you can imagine. Who wants to live in a world where that could happen at anytime, to anyone, for any arbitrary reason?

On the bright side, If we survive nuclear-fueled extinction (doomsday prepper much?) at least people will say: Cuba had Fidel Castro, Haiti had Papa Doc Duvalier (I’m Haitian. Haitians are sexy); Germany had Hitler; and America had Nixon. And Trump (please no). And, of course, the lovely Kardashians. Ha!

Kardashians: -1, World aflame: One hundred and frickin’ two.

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